Goodbye to the Old, Hello to the NEW YEAR.

I didn't have a lover to spend Christmas with like I had thought I would have for the rest of my life.
I didn't have one to kiss me on new years, or keep me warm in the snow.
And I'm just fine.

I thought I wouldn't be, but for some reason, I'm starting to pull myself out of the hole.
Turns out it's getting easier to let go of the past when you realize so much of everything was a lie.

This one's for the people who want a bright tomorrow, like me.

We are in this together, no matter who you are, wherever you are. I'm in it with you. I'm trying my best to be my best every day.

I'm losing ambition and trying my best to find it to keep my head above water before I drown again.

I'm hoping for the best, I'm breathing.

-Nellie.

:]

Worn out like the first pair of shoes.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in pitch black air.
I feel like I'm in a different world, when really I'm in the same one I've always been on.
But the darkness can hear my mind speak, it knows every thought.

To everyone who has ever used me, lied to me, abused me, or anything in-between. To anyone who has done any of that to anyone.
I see you standing there your bones shattering from my dark stare. I see right through all of you, I see every lie, I feel every heart you break.
Your bones turned to dust and will fly away with the snow storm today.

For now this, one bedroom, secluded apartment is what I call home. I walk around like a ghost and my days run together like a speeding calender.

I want to see the city lights of Seattle again and listen to the voices of people I'll never know.

Life is a series of ups and downs, road maps and crowded airports full of strangers always trying to go somewhere.

Some people are better off apart. Some people will always lie. Some friends will drop you like a rock. Some will stick around.

Everyone is a stranger until you trade smiles and caring eyes.

People change, monsters don't.

Some moments will never be forgotten, Trapped in our souls. Eating you alive, until you let them go.

I was constructed. My edges were torn. Now I have fallen apart at the seams. A single thread reaching to pull me back together.

This time as I carefully sew myself together, I'll make sure to make the thread stronger, and learn which ones to use.

We're all exhausted strangers having the same tired conversations.
We're all layers of past present and future.
We're all tired, we're all breaking, and gluing one another back together.

-Nellie.

Breathe

Today was filled with sunshine outside. It hasn't been sunny in a long time. I got a call, My Grandpa passed away this morning. As cheesy and cliche as it may sound, I think the sun was shining so bright because he was no longer in pain. At least, that's a warm way to look at a "sad" situation. I'm glad he's not in pain any longer, Family is coming down and the funeral will be in a few days as far as I know. I've never been to a funeral, I hope I can comfort those who let me comfort them. I'm not sure who will be there, and most of my family isn't too crazy about me but they're the family I've got, so I might as well be as nice as possible, I'm hoping if I stay positive and open maybe they will like me a bit more eventually, either way, I just have to stay true to myself.

I've been trying my best to focus on myself lately, trying to stay somewhat sane and find ambition to meet goals and get out of this town. I don't really speak to many people, but there is one person who has really helped me through everything recently, Her name is Joanne. She's the most loving women, and so open and caring. I'm very lucky to have her to talk to and open up to. She's like a 3'rd mother to me. haha. Since I'm adopted I technically have two already.

The person who belongs to that hand and your heart is warmed, because all you want is to fulfill your hands urge to be within their grasp. Touching theirs, fingers laced together.

-NELLIE

0_0

I just don't give a fuck anymore, this is a new beginning. It's gonna be really fucking hard to get to my goals but I have to start from rock bottom just like I always have. I'll get there, I can't wait to get out of this washed up town. I love it to visit I love the little towns so much, but not when I have lived here my whole life and dislike most people around here. I can't wait to be out of here, and spread my wings so to say.
Nothing and no one can hold me back anymore.

-Nellie

Monsters exist. The exist in ordinary people, and sometimes they win.

I really don't like the town I live in. I moved here because my apartment is cheap, but the town is so washed up, and I find myself disliking everyone. Maybe I'm bitter, Maybe I'm just figuring out a lot of people aren't worth your time or energy. I still love people, I still like to make others smile, but I'm distant. I'm very distant, maybe it's how I need to be to try to be okay, to keep myself steady, all I know is I'm trying my best to not get attached to anyone or anything, Sometimes being detached is what you need to do to recover and move forward with your life. It may seem like the hardest thing to do especially if you have to detach yourself from a person.
I don't know it all, and I'm not as strong as everyone seems to think. But I'm okay with that. I don't think anyone could ever know it all, we all keep growing and learning.

I just have to keep telling myself, "Your not alone"
I have to keep telling myself this world isn't complete scum.
I have to force myself to not feel bitter and angry at everyone just because of the anger and pain I have inside myself.

I try to act as if the past didn't break me down but the truth is, it did.
I was hurt, more then I thought was possible, I lost all my trust for the one person I actually trusted completely.

The thing is, you can't treat someone as if they are perfect, or think your going to live happily ever after because right when you let yourself feel that, I've learned everything falls apart. You always need to take care of yourself, sure i'd love to believe "love lasts forever" But the truth is, that is not reality at all. It may feel like it while your in love but then when it all comes crashing down because one person changes, or something else your completely destroyed.

I feel insane at times, literally insane.
I am focusing on trying to be in control of my emotions and my mind, but it's the biggest challenge at the moment.

Giving up would be the easiest thing to do, giving up completely on everything.
If you know me, you know I'm not one to take the easy way out.
Maybe thats the problem with me.
I love too much, I care too much, I get walked all over and treated like dirt.
Yet I still treat everyone with respect.

No matter how bitter I am and how much anger is inside me, there's no point to hate the WHOLE world for it. A lot of people in this world might make it hard for you to believe that everyone isn't an ass hole, but there has to be genuine people out there right?

I hope there is.
I hope,
I keep hoping.
thats all I can do.
Thats all any of us can do.
Keep hoping, Keep trying just one more time, keep pushing, keep breathing.


-Nellie.

You make me stutter.

Someday I will have a connection with a women where every separate atom, molecule, and living fiber are drawn to each other; Twisting and spiraling so intensely that I can feel them from miles away.

By the way, This is the most epic video I have EVER seen, so much talent, so beautiful. I could listen to this forever.

These things take time, and backbone.

Insomnia seems to love to take over most nights lately, My sleeping patterns are quite odd. Tomorrow I go to physical therapy and look for another job. It's snowing outside my window right now, and I had a thought.
I think snowflakes are wishes...that were forgotten about by the people who wished them, they wished it once, and never thought of the wish again, so the wish burned up into cold ash that falls every winter and covers our ground. I think the ashes of snowflake wishes fall down to bring joy, and make new wishes come true.
It's a nice thought, that every wish made wont go to waste, and one way or another will be put to use and make someone happy.

The night knows all my secrets, and all my thoughts.

I have a little bit to say about women.
Women are malicious. They are deceiving. Beautiful creatures of insanity.
I always have seen through all the lies of women, and men, people in general.
It sickens me that it will never stop as long as I live and there's nothing I can do about it, everyone will continue to lie, even the ones you never thought could lie to you, they still do.

The only thing I can do is trust myself, and hope for the best in people, even if all they ever do is let me down.

I wish I could be with my niece ella for christmas.



Anyways, for now... all I can do is make a to-do list and hope I can do everything on it.

Sunday morning coffee.

First things first, check out: http://www.girlgirlscene.com and watch their webseries :)


I've been reading people like books, every day. I can read them from cover in a matter of minutes, it's like i devour every secret behind their eyes.
I see right through you all, and none of you even know it.

Anyways,
Above is a photo of Gonzo kitty and I. Jakes cat, is so handsome, every time I go over there he attacks me with lovinnnnz.


Things have been a bit tiring as always.
Things have been letting me down more then usual, actually... let me re-phrase that.
PEOPLE, have been.
But then again, that's just how it always goes right?
But on that note...
There's also people who DON'T let me down.
those are the ones who count.
I finally got my own car/license re-instated so that makes everything a million times easier being able to drive wherever I want whenever I want without having to find a ride.

I'm still trying to keep up a bit writing on here, although no one reads this I'm sure, hahaa.

I'm about to make some coffee and relax with my jakey whom practically lives with me sometimes, which I enjoy. We have tickle fights and act like brother and sister, and laugh like crazy people when we are overly tired.

I'm really learning to appreciate little things in life even more so then I did before.

Thats all I have to say for now, Christmas is coming soon! =)




P.S. I haven't seen the "Mirror Mask" in so long... I miss that crazy movie. <3