I haven't been on here in a million years. Everything has changed. I have a new job as a PCA at a retirement village, I love my clients, they really bring so much joy to my heart everyday I see them, I never in a million years thought I'd be working with the elderly, but I can tell it's something I want to try to do for a long period of time in my life. When I was hired the job was supposed to be part-time, almost less than part-time but now I work everyday...except every other weekend, and I can not do that on top of 7 classes of school a day, that's too much. On top of both of those things my body is anemic because of medical problems I've been having. I rarely complain about things, but the stress of things going on at work, and almost being kicked out of school because I don't have time to keep up with it, are swallowing me whole.I work tomorrow at 5 AM and am going to try to talk to my manager about my schedule because there is no way I can keep going with it how it is.
Anyways, here's a few pictures from the past few weeks and such....
and ive been spending most of my very little free time with my jake and casey but there's no photos of that, one day they actually helped me clean my apartment, it made me cry because of how sweet it was/it relived so much stress.
Things change faster than you could ever be ready for. Even the things your overly sure about in life leave you shocked and stunned and empty.The horrible people in this world devouring one another.
They test your strength, when you have lost everything, and then some, you pull the little ounce of hope left inside your heart out and each day you hold on tight to it and it becomes stronger, healing your wounds, and eventually as you heal, you become stronger than you thought was possible, and you are amazed at yourself for getting through the things you do.
For me, that's how it works.
I can't really waste my time being scared, or wondering about my past, or giving myself a pity party like I see most people doing on a daily basis, because what sort of way of living is that?
My mind is a dangerous place to be sometimes, and so is yours I'm quite sure.
Sometimes you feel your soul will never get out of it alive.
And unlike most people, I'm not going to feed you false hope and lies, and tell you it gets better, because how can i control if it does or doesn't get better when you are the only one who can take control of your life and make that even a possibility?
So many of you stand around trying to be comfortably numb just like I have tried to do before. Sometimes I still feel the numbness lurking in the back of my mind. The negativity, the monster, the thoughts that burn through my heart like wildfire and leave nothing left of me but ashes waiting to be carried away into the atmosphere.
We tend to borrow smiles from one another until they disappear into some sort of volatile emotions.
I've found that in my weakest days, I can open my eyes and try to appreciate the little things in my life, no matter how tiny they may be, and the fresh air soothes my lungs, as the sun melts my heart of ice.
We all have those times in our lives when we can't imagine seeing tomorrow, or smiling ever again, and hate every disgusting thing and person on this earth. Our minds write those moments down, and make them impossible to forget, and almost impossible to forgive and move forward from them. So those that don't keep trying to push through those moments remain bitter zombies with walls built around their soul, while others try their hardest to build bridges and share their smiles. I choose the bridge, although neither one is easy to do.
Think of all the things you can do as you grow, and all the different people you will meet, and new memories you will make, and what you have already gotten through, be proud of yourself for hanging in there and gaining this strength. All strength is built from ultimate weaknesses. That right there, is why your strength is so powerful, no one, and nothing can break you.
No one, and nothing can break me, I control my emotions, and will always remember that each tragedy that happens in my life will make me an even better person if I give myself time to heal and do everything it takes to grow and learn from it, and gain the strength that makes me unstoppable.
I can love myself how I am, and accept what is thrown my way, and do my best each and every day.
I can breathe, and use the strength I have gained to lend a caring hand.
I care for you whomever you are, wherever you are, I'll do my best to help you grow, and help you stand, as I do my best to help myself.
-nellie
